I was someone who knew I would be successful because I desired to be and believed I possessed all that was needed to achieve it. I lived, spoke, and acted as I believed. I allowed no one to inspire me to believe otherwise. Unemployment pushed passed my barrier. Now I see how this experience was the path of least resistance to success as I truly desired.
At age 25, life felt like a bucking horse that I’d attended college to learn how to ride. No sooner than I’d successfully mounted with a degree in psychology, believing I understood the mind and the role it played in creating personal perceptions of life, it bucked and slung me to the ground. Tasting Earth, I spat and with determination to be successful I continued to chase this horse. Exhaustion and frustration came long before the horse gave in to my quest. Eventually, I collapsed with indifference. Mockingly, the horse danced and galloped around me. Then, it threatened to take my life.
Yesterday, I watched a video* about the company MindValley and how it began with one guy in his home through desire to be successful. In the video, Vishen Lakhiani spoke about four states of being and the one that led him to the experience of true success. He said some people are unhappy in their present lives and without grand visions for their future. These people can’t contribute or grow because of their current state, which are necessary life components, according to Tony Robbins. For the sake of this current interaction between us, you and I, let’s call this The 4th State.
Perceiving the states of beings that were spoken about by the co-founder of MindValley as a continuum like the number line with negative on the left and positive on the right, The 4th State is extreme left. The 3rd State is beside it moving to the right. And, it represents people who are happy in their current lives and are without visions for their future. Again, in this state there is no room for contribution and growth. I perceive Zero to be the state of mind where a person is neither happy nor unhappy in their present life and indifferent about their future.
Next, is The 2ndState. This is when a person is unhappy in their present life and they have grand visions about their future. These people desire growth and the experience of contribution, and at the same time, they feel anxiety and fear in the only moment of life that matters; Now. The 1st State was called Flow. This is when a person is fully present and happy in the now with visions about the future that they look forward to experiencing. They understand Now to be all there is and their feelings about Now as the artist who add detail to their living Now experience. Which of these states of being are you currently expressing?
After graduation I entered The 2nd State. I’d succeeded in graduating college as a young mother with two children. And before that, I’d survived what would have been coined as a ‘dysfunctional family’ life and went to college from an apartment in the city projects. Throughout growing up I’d lived in various cities within Illinois, Arkansas, and California, and experienced an array of lifestyles. I had no doubts about the type of life I wanted to live and had set out to achieve it. The horse of my life was employment. I had a degree, a business persona, and drive to beat all odds. Regardless, I had no luck in securing employment that worked with my schedule that was predetermined by my commitment to my children.
Loss of personal possessions and debt awakened depression within me. For a brief period, I entered The 0 State. I realized employment was beyond my control. I couldn’t hold an employer by gun point and force them to let me demonstrate how fine of an employee I was capable of being, although in personal amusement about the situation I thought about it. My future was now undecided and I was uncertain about what exactly was deciding the details of my experience and convinced it and I were not on positive terms. I went from an avid non-smoker to an avid cigarette smoker and was content with being able to cope from day to day.
One day, out of the blue, it hit me; The 4th State. I was unhappy, no in utter despair about the way my life had unfolded. Old college friends were enjoying the experiences of new careers and marriages while I was being threatened with eviction and repossession of my new vehicle. I preferred being trampled to death over the torture I felt about stumbling off the success path. I tried. I failed. I was ready to die with pride knowing I desired better.
What I’m saying is I’ve traveled all across this continuum before understanding how to reach The 1st State. During the asking for death reasons to live presented. Not only did my children need me to live, I needed me to live and experience the better life I desired. My spirit came forth into life to be successful, not to die in despair of perceived failure. I was reminded that I’d only been alive for a short while and had been out of college for less than a year. This was the beginning, no matter how rocky it felt, and if I allowed the curtains to close at the beginning of the show it would be my doing and not truly failure to reach success. As long as the show continued success was possible. I stood to my feet feeling better in The 2nd State.
I looked the horse in its shiny dark eyes letting it know I’d caught my second wind. It was me, the horse, and opportunity to successfully mount. I realized college hadn’t properly prepared me for the great feat I faced. Somehow I had to figure out how to remain on my feet until I was comfortably seated on back of the horse of my life.
An idea came to me. I could let go of all of the things I was in process of losing and relocate to the city projects. This would allow rent to be based on income and utilities to be included. Then, I would formulate a master plan to leave the projects again in quest of success. I entered The 0 State. I didn’t like living in the projects, one street over from where I lived my last three years of high school. A part of me felt like I’d regressed and wasted a lot of time and money in school and had only accomplished birthing two children to be responsible for. Another part of me was keenly aware of the plan. My current situation was temporary, yet indefinite, and the best response to monetary struggle. Meanwhile, I read books and articles on personal development that stimulated underlying life concepts I’d instinctively lived by without realizing I was doing so. My confidence boosted with clarity of the process. A brilliant idea took form.
In 2003 the economy was doing some unexplainable things that few were living the effects. I was among them. I didn’t want to exchange parenting responsibilities for a paycheck, earning less than my potential. “Something would be better than nothing,” many people advised. My children were now school age, out of the range for local daycares and babysitters required trust I didn’t have. Also, at the time, my mother was battling cancer. She was willing to babysit and I trusted her but didn’t feel comfortable placing weight of my life upon her already heavy load.
The majority of the authors of the works I read shared accounts of rocky moments of their lives that led them to the life they currently lived as authors of amazing realities. Many of them worked according to their own rules and did what they loved as it fit with all of the other pieces of their lives. The thought of something like that being possible for me glistened in my mind. Writing was my passion, though mostly back then I wrote poetry and journal entries. My journals kept record of my emotional journey through life. I imagined being able to offer light to someone else’s life through sharing some of my most profound experiences. I declared I would become an entrepreneur and use my passion to employ myself. This was my brilliant idea.
Feeling gratitude for the ability to do so, I walked away from the horse and set out on the adventure I once believed mounting the horse would have provided. Quietly, the horse stayed behind and I went about my way.
I researched the world of writing and the marketplace where it was sold. Publishing companies and literary agents were still a key factor in the transaction. I concluded, with a well-researched and modern presented piece I would have no trouble getting a foot in the door of an institution representative of freedom. I spent three months researching the causes of fear and how it can be overcome. During my research my hunch about cancer being connected to negative emotions was confirmed. In many ways my mother had lived as a fearful person and I wanted to show her how to turn her cancer around to claim the rest of her life. I began a non-fiction book that I titled, Choosing Love Over Fear; dedicated to my mother.
Shortly after I started the book my 4 year old son asked if he could go live with his father 4 hours away from where we lived. This was one of the toughest decisions I’ve ever made. I agreed with desire for his true happiness. Many unfruitful thoughts solicited my focus. I ignored them and continued with my plans. I looked forward to soon acquiring transportation where as my daughter and I would be able to visit regularly. Succeeding in my current endeavor, I believed, would be the best example I could set for my children and the ultimate gift to place in their future. Dedicated to my mission, I incorporated all of my emotions into the story I wrote about overcoming fear through embracing love. Love for us all kept me writing.
Thanks to the confident teachings of God, Jesus Christ, Wayne Dyer, Iyanla Vanzant, Deepak Chopra, Alice Walker, Terry McMillian, and Neale Donald Walsch I felt invincible and able to succeed at creating something useful and entertaining. My heart vibrated with hope when I finished the book believing it was ready to query in the writing market. I printed a pamphlet copy for my mother to read when she was released from the hospital. Here, I was in The 1st State. I was happy for the first time in a long time in my present life with grand visions for my future.
A few days later I received a call. I answered, “Hello.” An extremely calm and kind hospice nurse informed me of her role in my mother’s life transition- And asked if I would be her primary caregiver. I agreed. I was terrified of death and devastated over the potential loss of my mother. I wanted to save her. I knew I couldn’t actually save her. I wanted to give her some good news that possibly could have saved her. Maybe it was just wishful thinking.
My mother couldn’t read when she arrived at my apartment. During the times she was awake I tried to tell her about the information in the book. I’m not sure if she understood my words or not. Many times she expressed being places I couldn’t see. (I’m giggling while thinking about this.) She was able to discern that people were acting strange and had a way of checking me, letting me know she was an adult who was aware of all that was taking place. I wasn’t too sure.
One day she asked me for a cigarette. She’d smoked ever since I’d known her. The doctor predicted she had less than three months to live. She didn’t want to be told she couldn’t have one or reminded of the dangers of smoking. She wanted a cigarette. I smoked and knew how it felt to desire a cigarette; especially when not in immediate possession. Going against what I knew the elders in my family would have advised, I lit a cigarette and handed it to her. Then, I scooted close, seated in front of her, and monitored her every move.
“Why are you watching me like that?” she asked.
“I’m watching the cigarette,” I said. “Do you need assistance with it?”
The long slender cigarette dangled an orange tip near her chest when she placed it to her mouth. Shaky hands moved it to her mouth and away pointed towards her lap. I didn’t want any accidents.
“I’m a big girl,” she replied. “I know what I’m doing.”
I giggled. For just a moment I placed my being in her body and experienced life, what was left of it, through her eyes. She was twenty-one years older than me and she was my mother. Through her eyes I could see me acting the role of being her mother. She was far from being a child in need of someone dictating her movements. This was the wedge that stood between her and her mother. I was her daughter, who knew the story quite well, and I knew she didn’t want to die. She wanted to be the success of chemotherapy and radiation treatments. Instead, she enjoyed her last cigarette with me watching her as though she was a sneaking careless child.
She smiled and then said, “I did the best I knew how.”
I agreed. When she finished the cigarette I stubbed it out in the ashtray and then helped her back to my son’s old room. Things became really weird really fast after that day.
The day I said goodbye to my mother I entered The 4th State. I felt like a child who had been left behind in a crowded mall on the fourth floor. I received an eviction notice on the day of her funeral. For a brief moment, I was terrified of the Now and the future.
The book I wrote was etched within me. I recognized fearful reaction to change and uncertainty. Maybe this was the best way to move me from the projects as I desired. As best as I could, I went with the flow and relocated. I left Arkansas and moved to California with my father. There I was able to land two jobs but my credit was too low to qualify for a decent place to live. Eventually, I went back south.
I returned in The 2nd State. Being able to move into a place of my own where my daughter and I felt comfortable gave me what was needed for me to learn to relax and go with the flow of life. I’m still learning while experiencing the wave of moving towards my desire.
As I set out on my adventure to grow and contribute within the world I live in, I decided that riding a horse would have been more efficient. The horse was exactly where I’d left it and still defiant to my mounting. My intentions were to mount the horse. That was exactly what I would do. It required creativity.
This horse was going to be my horse, I claimed. We would love each other and grow together as we adventured through possibility. In my survival pack was a box of sugar cubes for my coffee. I poured a few into the palm of my hand and then offered them to the horse.
“Would you like to be called Kreative Inspirations?” I asked.
The horse raised its massive body up, standing on its hind legs, then it returned to Earth and stabled. Meekly it approached and received the cubes of sugar. To my surprise, it lowered on its front legs in allowance of my mount and off we rode into uncharted land. We are still enjoying the journey.
As always you are welcome to visit http://dreamchild78.wix.com/agreateryouawaits/. If you are interested in sharing your creativity through Kreative Inspirations or contributing to its aim email firstname.lastname@example.org.
I wish you pleasant flowing experiences. Trust and enjoy the process. Take care.